So some of my closest friends are from school, and for the longest time, I believed we were close enough for me to come out to them. I wasn’t as close with my college mates though.
One night, back when I was 20, i was giddily hiding in my hostel bathroom, because i finally stopped denying I was bisexual. I needed to share the news with someone, and so my bestfriend, let’s call them ‘X’, came to mind.
I texted them, “X, I think i’m bisexual.”
I probably should have phrased it better. Because, X started trying to convince me that I’m not, and I was just confused.
She explained I probably read erotica or saw porn from a males perspective, where in i could have imagined i was the one fucking the woman, instead of imagining I was the woman being fucked by the man.
This was an insane theory because i hadn’t watched porn at the time. But my erotica could be interpreted the way she did.
But I don’t consume erotica the way she did. I never imagined myself in someone else’s position. And I could tell, she was embarrassed about admitting it as we all come from a sheltered and orthodox religious background.
And so, I just agreed to her and ended the conversation all bummed out. I mean, I thought I’d get some sort of award for coming out of the closet, but that was not the case…for most people.
Anyway, me being young and super dumb, I googled how to be sure about my sexuality. Obviously one was to have a relationship with someone of the same gender. (I now know that there are more definitions to bixuality and it does not fit just two genders, but the whole spectrum)
Anyway, as I was living in an equally orthodox and religious country/state, I could not easily experiment my sexuality. The next best option the blog mentioned was to watch homosexual porn.
And that’s how, my innocent Christian ass chose the lesbian genre to watch as her very first porn. It was uncomfortable first. Then very hot next.
But even so, my young mind could not put what X said out of my mind. And now I watch men on men too.
It came to a point where i’d prefer gay/lesbian porn over straight porn.
Now, in 2021, i’ve completely switched to gay/yaoi or lesbian/yuri hentai.
Sexuality and sexual identity definitely became an interest of mine, as I started reading informational books and learnt new terminology. Trans youtubers and Non-binary and gender fluid tiktoks, are constantly recommended to me.
It is fascinating and I felt validated and no longer alone. I feel much stronger and more resistant to bullshit that people spew now.
So X contacted me recently asking how I was an such. I think i let slip to her between the years that i was infact still bi without ever properly addressing it. And she never pried either.
But it did hurt when she exalted her college mates’ sexuality and gender identity, while she totally ignored mine. Arts definitely teaches a wide spectrum of information and I understand people learn as they grow. She grew, but was it growth without ever saying sorry?
I’m sure you’d say she wasn’t a good friend. But she was my biggest lesson, in choosing the people you come out to. We learn from bad examples haha.
X wanted to get closer to me recently and understand the turmoil in my family life, because she knows my family and cherishes them more than I do.
But just like her as a bad example, there was another close friend who completely ignored my pain and asked me to forgive my parents (because that’s what children do). I wasn’t going to repeat my mistakes, especially not to someone who denied me once.
I respectfully declined and went back to the memes we share. What irked me more about my interaction with X recently was that she never asked how I felt. She just told me to tell her because she wanted to know. Like my family matter was plain gossip.(atleast that’s how i heard it)
She tried to justify it by saying “i feel better when i talk about my parents to my other friends”
So she spoke about her family problems to OTHER friends and expects me to tell HER stuff that she couldn’t even tell me? Bullcrap.
Like…my situation wasn’t something where i could feel better from an uneducated listener’s opinion. Even my doctor said we needed family therapy. And I wasn’t even going to go for it because this country has fuck-all mental health specialists who places family togetherness and family virtues without regard for the children of that family.
My country is the type of country that places obedience, duty and servitude over the child just so that they can say “Parents are equal to God because they raised you to half decent human being”.
Went on societal tangent there. But it is the truth and I don’t think a child deserves that burden. Because some parents push their children to suicide with pressure and some with the pretence of love and honour.
But coming back to X, she doesn’t know nish about me or my parents. And i plan to keep it that way.