Vice

The boys in my class want to become men

They want to grow some hair on their chest

And feel the power of great men

Like a rite of passage, they drink and they smoke

And much to my chagrin

They glorify these vices.

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Wait

Some nights I stay up to keep company to my thoughts

Those toxic things feel lonely when ignored for too long

Why does knowing one’s innermost thoughts feels like thieving from oneself?

Introspection seems to synthesize grief 

Self realization makes me understand how insignificant I am in this large world 

But I wait for my time

My time where all things end

My grief 

My life

My trance transcend.

Matter

I don’t think I matter much to you
So I try to not matter to you
But it’s really hard to make you not matter to me
But that is a whole other matter

Why don’t we speak anymore?

I always imagine a scenario where you ask me why we don’t speak anymore,

And I imagine my reply,

Replaying it over and over again,

Procrastinating on the words that are supposed to come out of my mouth,

“Why should I exist in your world, 

When you don’t want me in it?”

When I Think…

When I think, I drink from a pessimistic glass of water,

I think about all the blessings and all the happiness I’ve been surrounded by,

And wonder how my soul doesn’t absorb any of it,

How my mind is cluttered with the fear of enjoying it.

Mayanadhi

Just a personal experience I went through.
The title:
Mayanadhi is a malayalam movie famous for it’s soundtrack and it’s potrayal of a premarital love scene in a restricted community like India’s. Mayanadhi means magical river. The reason I chose this title is because I was listening to a song from this movie around the time all this happened. (Mizhiyil Ninnum is the song)

I feel my pulse to know I’m alive.

My wrists yearned to be felt

To let me know

My body lives

That it hasn’t lost the battle that my soul has

I feel my pulse to know I’m alive.

Don’t Go

I wish you never

Told me

You loved me

I wish I never

Pushed you away

To her place

Now you look at her the way you looked at me

Now I wish you didn’t listen to me

Twilight Showers

Twilight, you outstretched your arms to me
And I let myself be held in your tender clouds
I let my body tremble while you held me tightly
I walked home with your tears intermixing with mine
My rain became our little secret.

Lay Still, My Love

Death has never looked this attractive before
He comes towards me with a cool arrogance

“Your life is mine
And mine alone”

His words sound like a declaration of love
As he coaxes the last breath out of me

With his shower of unending kisses
This sweet release of death

Till I lay still beside him.

Dead Battery

Today I felt like a full battery
Slowly dying
From exhaustion
From smiling.

For a Friend #2: mistaken

That night at the movie theater,
My heart was with someone else.
But I felt your shoulder touch mine,
And I felt restless.
What is this feeling?
What is my dead battery of a heart feeling?
And did you feel it too?
Do you feel like you cheated on your love interest
Like I felt I’ve cheated on mine?
Am I starved for physical affection?
Is that why I felt something I shouldn’t feel,
For someone I shouldn’t feel for?
The closer your face became,
The faster my heart awakes.
But it’s a mistaken feeling,
For sure,
Because you’re my best friend
And best friends do not, love, invoke.