penalty

i’ve been feeling miserable lately. i feel abandoned. i feel like i am reaping what i sow. i am so hell bent on being alone and untouched that i hurt everyone and feel no remorse.

but all those times i am reminded that my parents did a horrible job of raising me, i think they did the best they could. that they were young and stupid.

i am penalising them for something they did in the past, and i am starting to wonder if i should continue doing so. the true state of not caring is neither caring nor withdrawing. it’s something in between them – having no emotional attachment or whiplash from what they did and will continue to do.

sometimes i wonder if i deserve to be happy. whoevers life i enter, they all leave me without leaving me. we continue in indifference and never reaching a conclusion. i want to run. i want my own place. i am miserable here.

so i wonder if i just let things go, if things would untangle or just stay a knot that no longer tightens as the days go by.

i feel disgusted being touched. but hearing them cry because i don’t let them near is painful. i can’t focus on anything anymore.

the more therapists i see, the more fucked up i get. my solutions and their solutions do not align. they ask me to trust them, when i don’t even trust myself. i’m scared.

and i’m tired of letting this continue. silence has isolated me. but i have realised where people’s priorities lie, and i will never trust them again. i guess i expected them to choose me, when i always knew they wouldn’t. that they’d be stuck in limbo, standing in the middle forever. there is nothing more i hate than someone who doesn’t pick a side. putting their feet in a separate boat won’t save any of us.

today, i came to realise that i built these protective mechanisms because i didn’t want to get hurt. something my child self had build to not get burnt. but as an adult, with means of protecting myself, why do i need to play these twisted games just to protect myself?

i hate these people. but it hurts to see them whimper when i do what they did to me.

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